A blip in time (a scare and relief).......

Medical

"Hematuria"? Really???? What the heck is that, and why am I going through this?

Well, last Tuesday morning I had a scare. I went to the restroom and left blood in the toilet bowl. I'd seen this before, but it was usually miniscule amounts. This time, there was a lot of blood (and the blood was dark also). However, the bleeding stopped..... and I went on with my day. I had been looked at by the VA Urologist 2 weeks before... and he had indicated there was no evidence of bleeding (or a identifiable source). I took a picture of the evidence so I'd have something to show the Urologist the next time I saw him (sorry about the graphic picture, but it is the only way to convey what I was dealing with). 

On Wednesday morning, I was bleeding after going to the restroom first thing in the morning, and this time... the bleeding wouldn't stop. I used a rag to contain the bleeding, hobbled into the bedroom, and asked Penny to take me to the ER. The blood on my legs and on my socks apparently were the convincer. As Sherman Hospital in Elgin was the closest ER, we went there. When we got there, I was immediately put into a room (a first for me). Within an hour, I received a cat-scan with contrast.... and the results were negative for any obstruction around my kidneys/intestines. As I was still bleeding (and it wasn't stopping), I was transferred to a room and admitted onto the 5th floor (and they put a catheter in me to clear out my bladder of the multiple clots that were in there). They ran more tests and I had a cystoscopy the following morning (by Penny's former urologist.... of all people). Apparently, the bladder had an injury and the urologist cauterized the tears (and he noted injuries in the urethra also). I have no clue how I could have been injured there. So they kept the catheter in me and I dealt with spasms once or twice an hour (pain so strong, I was tearing / barely containing my guttural scream afterward). Luckily, my room was a private room and I was by myself. By Friday afternoon, the pain was such that they felt they needed to get the catheter out given the unrelenting spasms (and the bleeding was minimal). The spasms then stopped and I was released from the hospital (I even was able to take a shower so I could go home without being funky.

During this time at the hospital... Deb Wolf stopped by Wednesday evening bringing Travis with  to visit, Jeff Madsen (from my FVC life group) visited Wednesday nite & Thursday nite, Pastor Adam (Pastor for FVC Pingree Grove) stopped by on Thursday, and others came by... (along with several calls to my room) bolstering my spirits. We all prayed at our various times, and I went over John 10 with Pastor Adam (and he and I discussed multiple things). =)  Jeff Madsen (despite being a Packers fan) I firmly believe will be a lifelong close friend of ours (and I look forward to growing in my faith anywhere close to Jeff and his wife's faith).

I am at home now re-learning how to manage my bladder as it is very weak (using pads to catch leakage)... a very humbling experience. During all of this, Penny has been my foundational rock, keeping our household going and taking care of me as best she can (I am a truly blessed man). I know this much, Penny and I are much closer now than at any time in our marriage and I firmly believe there is nothing that the other would do for the other. And our belief in Jesus and in God is growing daily......

http://corvetteraffle.com

 

 

 

We just sold a 15th ticket (out of 100 available). We are still working out a way to get the word of mouth out there (if anyone has any ideas, we are all ears.... please comment in the comment section and I will get the message directly). We are down to 11 days left, but with God's help..... we shall be successful in our endeavors.

 

Overall

I heard from my former boss that a good friend of ours has taken a turn for the worse health wise and now has full blown leukemia. This man stuck with me through thick and thin and we had the other's back when dealing with adversity at multiple companies. He is the kind of guy who will give you the shirt off his back in a snowstorm, and I feel just awful he is facing this battle. It seems that many of us who work ourselves so hard don't think of keeping our own health and pay a price for that over time. My predecessor (John Fugazy) retired at 57 and passed away from ALS at the age of 61. Kevin Koerner is now around that age and is looking at chemo and a bone marrow transplant. It would seem that people who work hard all of their lives are the ones who don't get to enjoy retirement..... and who face adversity when they are deserving of so much more out of life. I will be saying an extra prayer for my friend tonight.......

The changing of seasons & facing the financial cliff.....

So, our effort at trying to make it until June of next year is in full swing (when Illinois Hardest Hit ends), so the effort is ratcheting up as our funds have dried up. Come December 28th, our unemployment ends (with no chance of extending). So we are approaching the Holidays with much to pray for.
 

Social Security

I find it incredible/ironic that Penny, Travis, and I find ourselves having applied for Social Security benefits at the same time. 20 months ago, we were like most American families and were considered "middle class" with my having a good paying job with benefits (with Penny having no cancer and Travis having just graduated from High School). I had always had a job since I was 14, so it was inconceivable to me that I would ever be applying for governmental benefits (let alone disability benefits).... and yet here we are..... 13 months on unemployment (with only 1 interview during that time).
I will be going to a medical assessment courtesy of the Social Security Administration on November 14th (I received the letter last Thursday), the doctor I will be seeing is an "Internal Medicine" doctor... so it appears that Social Security is taking my application for benefits seriously. Usually, decisions are made within 3 months of such assessments (so I am hopeful that they will actually take into account my present limitations). 

Penny's "Res Judicata" Social Security effort continues. I contacted "The Standard" Insurance Company on October 24th and asked them to have Allsup & Associates (a company that specializes in helping people get Social Security) get actively involved in representing Penny. Amazingly, it has been a week & Allsup still hasn't contacted us (the amount they'd receive is 33% of the Disability Award for fees and this would cover from 2005 through 2013.... one would think they'd be jumping all over this opportunity). The Standard also was supposed to get the 2007 medical assessment records to us by 2 days ago, but we still haven't received them. We need those records to prove to Social Security that they didn't have all of the information necessary to review the Social Security Disability claim back in 2008 (hence..... "Res Judicata"..... ie: to re-open that which has already been decided). We are praying very hard on this one......

Travis' Social Security claim is in process (we've provided everything needed), now we are just waiting for a decision. We've done what we can.

We just may have to seek a Social Security attorney for all of us if nothing happens within the next week with "The Standard". 

Medical

I am now covered by VA healthcare (for 2 months) and Illinois Vetcare - Medicaid (for 3 months).... although I don't know how much longer Vetcare will continue as I don't believe that one is allowed both benefits at the same time. I'll know within a couple of weeks. I am going to the VA Optometrist tomorrow in North Chicago,

Regarding Penny and Travis, we tried to access the Obamacare/ACA marketplace website for over 3 weeks (and finally were notified our application completed and that Illinois DHS has the application and that "maybe" Penny and Travis are eligible for Illinois Family Care ("Medicaid"). We just received DHS paperwork to fill out (yet again) 2 days ago, but it appears that Cancer Treatment Center of America does not accept "Medicaid". (I am negotiating that with them as we speak).

http://corvetteraffle.com

 

 

 

We are still only at 14 tickets sold (out of 100)... and it has been since October 21st since the last ticket sold. We are still working out a way to get the word of mouth out there (if anyone has any ideas, we are all ears.... please comment in the comment section and I will get the message directly).

 

Overall

We had a Halloween party for Travis and his friends this afternoon at our house (despite both Penny and I feeling very crappy)... but we had made a commitment to Travis and his friends. They all had a great time hanging out playing games outdoors....

Tomorrow after seeing the Optometrist, I will be seeing the VA vocational unit for help in trying to find a job that takes into account my medical limitations (so we'll see how that goes).

This weekend, I helped a former boss with configuring his next laptop system for his home (and he saved over $1,000 with the approach I took... including having a copy of Windows 8.1 when he is ready to migrate to it in 2 years plus having a new monitor stand / port replicator that works with the laptop's USB 3.0 capability). So he'll have a rock solid solution for the next 8 years.

Time to hit the sack.......

 

PTSD........ my homework assignment from the Psychiatrist

PTSD

So, yesterday I saw the VA Psychiatrist and went over my background.

As PTSD had been diagnosed by the private practice Psychiatrist, I was trying to come to terms why this was one of my diagnosis' (depression? sure.... anxiety? you betcha... PTSD? what does that even mean.... that I am completely broken????). You see, I view PTSD as something only combat veterans go through (or rape or shooting victims).

So we discussed some of what the family (and specifically I) have gone through... and these are things my family knows and is aware of:

• I was abused as a child (and watched my mother and brother abused far worse than I was)... and this was at the hands of an alcoholic for many years.
• I went through a very mentally abusive situation during my first marriage / divorce including her having a relationship with another Marine in my unit (the lingering effects which affect my family and I to this day).
• I struggled with dealing with being a step-father (being on a different page with my wife due to the baggage both of us brought into the marriage), to which took many years to heal.
• My child was molested as a child by the maternal grandparent and I was unable to both protect that child (I was prevented by DCFS, government, and lawyers to act in my child's best interest... and then was told I couldn't even talk about it with my child, even though the child brought it up to me).
• The same child then being abducted/harmed by a stranger 4 years later in another state.
• My wife was shot (the aftermath was a war zone of blood, chaos, crying/shrieking and many emergency vehicles).
• Going through the subsequent trial (that resulted in the Death Penalty being handed out).
• Dealing with former Governor Ryan then taking the perp off death row (along with over 140 others) a year and a half later (and revisiting the pain / suffering).
• My ex introducing my child to the man she had an affair with 20 years after it happened.... to keep me away from my child right before my grandson was born.... and my having no choice but to get a DNA test in order to re-establish the paternal bond that she was trying to wrest from me.
• My sister's constant drug / alcohol battles and everything that entails regarding children who are affected (my family and I having to constantly jump in to right the ship).
• An in-law who seems as dead set in trying to dehumanize me almost as much as my ex-wife does.

There are other things I have faced also, but the gist is..... that I have faced quite a few situations that when piled on each other over time, has resulted in my having a very dysfunctional way of dealing with them (I shut people out of my life in order to protect myself). When people bring up specific issues, I have to go into another room. When there is severe angst and arguing, I have to leave (remove myself and those I love from having to deal with my getting so angry... I'll say something I will regret) So, it appears those are symptoms.

So, now I am trying to get my head around this and learn how to change how I think when encountering such situations. Since this is the first time I have dealt with such issues head on with a professional, I am hoping that at some point.... I'll be able to sleep better at night and when faced with such situations, I can react in a more positive manner without hurting others.

<end of homework assignment>

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http://corvetteraffle.com

 

 

 

We are still only at 14 tickets sold (out of 100). I really need to figure out a way to get the word of mouth out there (if anyone has any ideas, I am all ears.... please comment in the comment section and I will get the message directly).  =)

The end of a beautiful weekend. Another week coming up, a lot more effort to go.

A wonderful Chili cook-off / hoedown at FVC

We had a fantastic time last night at Fox Valley Church's annual Chili Cook-off and Hoedown. Pots and pots of chili awesomeness, and many were able to work it off with square dancing (unfortunately, we couldn't dance due to my gout and Penny's foot fracture).

We didn't win first prize in the chili cook-off... but it was first in our hearts (and we enjoyed tasting many different types of chili... over 27 pots worth).  =)

Getting ready for winter.

Penny, Travis and I slowly worked on getting the house ready for winter. One upside is that we still have our Montgomery Wards riding lawnmower (it is over 25 years old, but it is still running). It has hydrostatic drive (essentially an automatic transmission), 18 hp, a 46" mower deck, & a grass catcher chute/bag system. It might be old, but it saves us a whole lot of effort. So as long as my left foot and left hand aren't enduring a gout attack, I can quickly cover a lot of ground. As it is autumn and we have 4 very large trees in our east side plus back yard, we have a LOT of leaves. As our mower has a mulching blade also, we are able to break down the leaves into small bits (and Travis helps me by emptying the grass catcher making life easier for me). Penny helped Travis by showing him how to rake the yard and pile up the leaves (Travis then gathered the leaves and put them in a pop up leaf bag and we discarded the leaves / grass / mulched leaves in our compost area behind our fence). Travis helped Penny tremendously (as Penny might have a fractured foot). So the pictures below show our house with the Summer stuff put away (and the autumn stuff having been put up including scarecrows).   =)

The leaves are almost finished dropping (we didn't get much fall colors this year tho).  =(

These are the views of our tree line from our backyard. =)

 

http://corvetteraffle.com

 

I cleaned the Corvette also (getting it ready for the next month when the raffle completes). We received the yard signs from VistaPrint.com so now the http://corvetteraffle.com website is visible to passing traffic via this sign (we'll see if it is helpful). The signs printed up perfectly (it took 2 weeks though to receive them). A person at a Corvette Forum indicated he will be buying 2 raffle tickets this upcoming Wednesday, so if that does happen.... we will be at 16 tickets. Here are pictures I took of it today.

 

 

Proactive unemployment & disability



 

We have 2 months of unemployment left (so I am looking at my VRAP approval from last April as an option for training / income regarding January through March (2014). I'm still not getting any call backs from prospective employers, so I'll be working with VA "VRU" employment unit regarding what I can or can't do. I have three VA clinic / hospital visits this week, so I will be busy going to those. We are working with Penny's Disability Insurance company to get help for her regarding her "Res Judicata" appeal review and I hope to have this dealt with this week. Travis' Disability claim is just waiting for a decision now (as are my Social Security / VA claims).

 

It is almost a full time job keeping up with all of this (not easy when considering my many different medical issues), but with God's help (as we have given it to God).... this too shall pass. We still have our home, we have each other, and we are hanging in there. =)



 

 

Life and the various issues we face over that lifetime.

 

Another week closer to the end of unemployment (5 more checks...  with unemployment ending on 12/28.... so we are running out of time with no jobs or other benefits on the horizon). The Corvette raffle has stalled at 14 tickets (from 11 contributors), so I will be spending the weekend taking the time to spread the information regarding the raffle site.  If we sell all of the tickets, we'll make it until at least June of 2014. If it fails, bankruptcy will have to be considered in January (there will be no way around it). I remain an optimist, but the storm clouds on the horizon are ominous.

http://corvetteraffle.com

We are still at 14 out of 100 tickets having been sold so far in the first 23 days of the raffle (so the amount is still presently at $1,794.94 of the $12,500.00 goal).

For those who have purchased tickets... we thank you so very much. Please spread the news (the only way the raffle works is that all 100 tickets get sold). 86 more tickets to go. The new deadline is November 20th as http://crowdtitlt.com  extended the deadline for us to ensure the raffle is successful at meeting its goal.

We contacted and then wrote to The Standard insurance company regarding our "Res Judicata" effort at reopening Penny's Disability claim at Social Security Disability. We actually got somewhere with them, and they are now trying to be proactive by working with us to get SSA to reopen the case (by engaging Allsup and Associates). We'll see how that goes. In the interim, we filled out some papers for Social Security that emphasizes her present medical issues and dropped them off today.

I went to the VA and did my MST consult with North Chicago via TeleHealth (their polycom system). That went well, and then I engaged in the weight control program and nutritionist (which continues next week). Then this afternoon, occupational therapy stopped by to assess me. We'll see if they can help when they get back with me next week.  

=(      We received the news that our Pastor's father suddenly passed away yesterday (it was unexpected) and I am sitting here contemplating how he is doing right now (I wish I knew what to say to him or console him). The Pastor started a new "branch" of our Fox Valley Church (and has a lot of responsibility), but he is surrounded by a very supportive Church Body and Church Staff (I am sure that others will be filling in for him during his time with his family). That is incredible to me (besides my wife and son and the Church, I haven't any idea what that feels like regarding a supportive family... since my grandmother and mother passed away... (our family has slowly drifted and that was cemented as of the middle of 2010) as my extended family is now irrevocably broken... and that is sad.

I am trying to look back on my experience as a guide..... and it doesn't get any easier to contemplate.

My mother passed away 4 years ago (my point of reference), but it wasn't sudden. Penny and I got to spend the last 4 years with her living with us much of the time due to her medical condition (and we grew much closer to her during that time). We were as prepared for the end as one could get (as her Pancreatic Cancer diagnosis essentially allowed us to try to do a lot with the time left because we knew what that horrible disease could do to her) and yet it still hit us like a brick wall when it happened. The only way I handled it was the support of my wife and my Aunt (at the time). All of my other relatives passed away far from me (including my maternal grandparents) either in Norway or in Chicago (when I was in the Marine Corps in California), so seeing my mother pass was especially difficult. as it was the first time I saw it up close (and dealt with it having to help make many decisions during and after her passing which helped distract the hole I felt in my heart). I am sure the Pastor is feeling as such.

Regarding my own family (my father in particular), our relationship is essentially irrevocably broken (too much damage has taken place and once he does pass, my brother will be the one to handle that situation as he is more his father than mine......  as he is more of a rolling stone than a father... so I doubt I will even be informed either way as he feels nothing regarding me anyways). And that is so very sad to say, but it is our reality.

I am quite sure that the Pastor's relationship with his father was much closer (much like many father / son relationships that I read about). I know that my step-son Travis would be devastated (as he and I do have a close relationship), so I am trying to make sure that he is surrounded with positive people who will be there to help him through such a time period when it does happen.  My relationship with my own children is probably as bad as my relationship is with my father (my children will have nothing to do with me thanks to the interference of life /distance / and a never-ending interfering ex wife who has done everything she can to destroy that relationship). I am also wondering how my own children would take the news of my passing (and I suspect that it would be a blip in their lives and wouldn't affect them in the least). My brother and sister also lead their own lives (my brother has essentially stopped interacting with most of our extended family for a while and now, he and I no longer talk (long story, but he is now essentially only a member of his wife's family as his wife doesn't share him, she just judges us with a different perspective than she does her own).... and my sister kicked the family to the curb a long time ago when she chose drugs / alcohol and a drug addict as a partner so we won't interact with her anymore - the result of "tough love" / boundaries) so I suspect that they won't be affected by my passing either.

 It is what it is, but in the end..... I take solace in knowing I've done what I can (I am not perfect by any means as I've made plenty of mistakes / screw ups, but I have no regrets).

I am hoping that over time, I will have had the impact on others as the Pastor's father has had with him and his extended family & friends. It is a dream I have.........