Thursday, July 18, 2013

5th Friday of Chemo tomorrow

Well, week 5 dose of chemo is tomorrow.

The longer this type of treatment goes, you start seeing the extent of one's support network regarding those who truly are not there in the long run and those who are.

Tonight, Penny and I decided to eliminate as much stressors in our lives as possible.

There are just some people who do not understand just how stressful the road we are on actually is and still interact with us as if things are status quo (and not realizing how much stress we are actually under and by their very actions of "piling on".... we are bound to "crack" at times). This doesn't make our reactions right, but they are a fact of our lives considering the pressure we are under. When some people peck and claw at you regarding truly irrelevant "stuff" that only brings one down in a sea of negativity (despite knowing we had made a final decision years ago) and despite their knowing nothing good will come of it, sometimes in order to make it through the day...... one has to then make a conscious decision to eliminate all distractions from our ultimate goal (which is both my successful employment and Penny's successful treatment / beating cancer).

I was at a VA meeting this afternoon trying to pay attention to what the meeting was about (starting a Vet support Network to help Servicemen regarding assimilation within the Civilian workforce)...  and the texts which had nothing to do with me would not stop coming into me (to the point I had to turn the phone off so as to pay attention to the issue at hand). As a result of this, I missed 2 phones calls from IL. DHS (which were VERY important and now has to wait until next Wednesday when they have another opening for an appointment). Given both Penny and I have been on major medication for the past 2 months (with my also taking medication to deal with my stress / pain), I will admit to us not being perfect in regard to my reactions. Considering the pain I've been in the past month... I think I've done as best as possible considering the circumstances. Am I perfect? No (and admit to being so). However, when backed into a corner..... I will defend myself and my wife and I did so today. I don't regret it for a moment.

Penny and I both come from backgrounds where there is a lot of chaos regarding our families. We both have hardly anyone left in our families who are there through thick and thin (maybe 2 to 3 people on each side of the family). I have yet to see any of Penny's siblings being there for her in her time of need (my family has been there more than hers when Penny has been having medical issues). I'm not keeping tic marks mind you, I am just factually speaking of the issue. We both are our best supporters and are there for each other no matter the cost (ours is not the perfect marriage, but we have each other's back).

We are both also paying a price for inserting ourselves into familial issues for which there is a decided lack of appreciation despite sacrifices made (scrutiny seems to be the more important issues to some others). Tough love has been applied in a couple of cases, and yet others expect us to be as accommodating as they are even though they did not put their own skin in the game regarding helping someone as we did. We are not playing martyr here, but we have done a lot for our family (on both sides). Penny continues to try to help her father despite the fact she has days when taking care of herself is hard enough.  But when one is not acknowledged (as a human being or being in the area) when one comes to visit, it is a sign one is not wanted. I finally got the hint on my last visit. I can't tell you how it hurt me to not even get acknowledgment I was alive while I was hobbling out of my car trying to find a comfortable place to sit. I understand that those people may not have good days themselves, however... it happens more often than not. "Message received".

So, we've decided to just surround ourselves with people who actually want to interact with us instead of hoping to occasionally interact with those who are too busy or who feel the need to pile on drama just so they feel better about themselves having expressed their convictions to the point they feel better for having done so (while leaving a path of destruction in their wake which includes our very precarious effort at stability).

We will have to pray for guidance on this issue, as I certainly failed today in being the best Christian I could possibly be. When it comes to family, I frequently fail in this regard. Too bad, that this time.... it may be too late to fix.

Alas......... I will have to dream of a family who takes me at face value versus what they think I should be like.

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